The Grief Of Birch Trees
“These are full of beetles and will fall down soon. They need to come out.” said Dave, the tree guy. I had asked him to quote me what trimming and shaping my beloved paperbark birch trees would cost. I wasn’t expecting to hear his terminal diagnosis for these sacred trees in my backyard.
I planted these trees twenty years ago when their trunks were only a few inches in diameter. They started out like long, graceful white pencils. I planted them in memory of David— a little bit of New England in our backyard to hold the energy of his childhood and our love story’s origins. They grew tall enough to feel like guardians for his sons— protection for his family, rooted deeply in our backyard safe haven.
I scheduled the tree removal and waited three weeks for the appointment to come. In those weeks, I watched the trees. I was overwhelmed considering all that I would miss about them. I tried to recall every bit of beautiful light they reflected from their paper-white trunks— in the late summer pink sunset and early morning winter light. I assumed I would be bereft in the absence of the trees. I thought of the story of these trees— the ‘yeah but you don’t understand’ of this one seemingly small homeowners decision that has roots in grief, tragedy and deep pain. Some people just plant rhododendrons because they like them and that's the story. Not me. It all comes with a four volume memoir of grief and redemption, sorrow and grace.
I woke up at 4am on the morning the tree guys were scheduled to come. I decided in my anxious, sleep-disturbed stupor to cancel that part of the job. ‘Don’t worry, they won’t take down those trees. I got you.’ I reassured myself. And a few short hours later, there were three guys walking around my backyard, pointing and nodding. Suddenly ropes came out and I was in a swift moving river I couldn’t get out of. Within moments there were pieces of those birch trees splayed across the backyard. There’s something extraordinary about planting and watching things grow tall enough that you need heavy equipment to take them down.
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